Happy Fathers Day. You're worthless.

I just watched Animal Planet's Most Extreme: Dads. By the end of the show, I was really feeling how great it is to be a man. Maybe their list of top ten animal dads will explain why:

10. Lion - Defends his children.
9. Antechinus Mouse - Mates nonstop.
8. Golden Jackal - Gives his food to his children.
7. Giant waterbug - Cares for the eggs.
6. Rhea - Cares for the eggs.
5. Stickleback Fish - Cares for the eggs.
4. Jacana Bird - Polyandrous and lets female kill his young.
3. Bull Frog - Cares for the young.
2. Penguin - Makes milk for the young.
1. Seahorse - Gestates and gives birth to young.

Number 10 is a pretty good pick. The lion is strong and fierce. He's number ten because he defends his family and territory from predators and intruders. So far so good.

Number 9 is OK. Hyper-potency is something to be proud of. I guess. It's not bad at least. Well, sometimes anyway.

Number 8 is pretty respectable. You have to respect a man who sacrifices for his children. We're not doing too badly yet.

Number 7 is...well, he's mom. He made the list because he does things that women traditionally do in a human household. Same with number 6 and 5 and 4. They all hang around the nest and care for the eggs. If that wasn't bad enough, the Jacana lets any old female come along and kill all his eggs before laying some more in his nest. He has no way of knowing whether this batch shares his genes or not. He's a polyandrous sex slave. And these traits make them great dads how? I suppose they're great dads for being bugs, birds, and fish, but Fathers Day is about human fathers, isn't it?

Number 3 is another homemaker, only he sticks around to care for the tadpoles, too. Yeah! Another Mr. Mom!

Number 2 not only cares for the young, but he makes a milk-like substance for them too.  Swap to a human Dad breast-feeding his baby. Isn't that sweet? Are you sick, yet?

Number 1 has an internal pouch into which the female lays her eggs. They gestate inside of him, they hatch, and he gives birth. Animal Planet says he is number one because he is both mother and father.

Now, dads, don't you feel special? Now you know that defending your children and sacrificing for them is the least of your good traits. Emasculating yourself and doing everything you can to turn yourself into a woman is your only hope of really measuring up.  Fathers are worthless except when they are able to emulate mothers.